*Putting in the "unfortunately" part in the opening was pretty redundant and pointless, it could have been easily removed and still have the same point
*Same goes for "looking at all the events that has been occurring throughout the history of America". It is completely redundant and does not help with the main point *There are better words for "closed-mindedness", such as "ignorance" or "rigidness" *Weak call-to-action, the phrasing could have been better |